One of the best things about my job is listening to the stories of women. Women share their lives, their challenges and their successes.

As I listen, I also hear the negative things that women say to themselves. There are themes and variations, but it sounds a bit like this:

• I’m not good enough.
• I hate my body.
• I can’t do anything right.

In their most negative conversations with themselves, women speak a distinct language. That language is self-criticism.

When I hear women speaking to themselves in the language of self-criticism, I ask them:

Would you say that to a friend?

And the answer is always:

Of course not! I would never say that to anyone else.

Part of my job is to help women to speak to themselves with a more compassionate voice. It is like learning a new language. It’s a language that women already know – because it is the language they speak to their friends, family and loved ones.

It is the language of compassion, and it sounds like this:

• You are good enough just by being you. You are so talented, kind and thoughtful.
• Your body is beautiful – you are beautiful. Your body does amazing things.
• You have achieved so much. You have so much to offer. You are learning.

So, what if we learned a new language for ourselves? What if we learned to speak with self-compassion? Western Australia’s Centre for Clinical Interventions¹ defines self-compassion as:

“…identifying and acknowledging the pain or suffering we are experiencing, and seeking ways to alleviate the suffering”

Self-compassion is the opposite to self-criticism. It takes practice. Just like learning a new language, the more you practice it, the more fluent you become. If you hear self-criticism, ask yourself:

What would I say to a friend?

Think about the words you would say to a friend, and then say that to yourself.

Especially at Christmas, when so many women are creating joyful experiences for their loved ones – it is a time to offer yourself the gift of self-compassion.

So, this Christmas – be merry, but most of all be kind to yourself.

Written by Dr Kylie McKenzie, Clinical Psychologist

1. What is Self-Compassion. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great resource for learning more about self-compassion.

If you’d like to learn more, my friend and colleague, Dr Stan Steindl has written a book and practice workbook about compassion: The Gifts of Compassion. See: Books | Dr Stan Steindl